Slipping in and out, the state of blankness and numbness.

I took the train to Bugis, because i wanted to get my belt. I teared the whole way to Cityhall. I looked up and saw that i was at Bugis, where i met nat. Then i left again, i didnt collect my belt. When i realised where i was, i was already in Citylink. I walked and walked, with no direction, no destination. I just walked and walked. Nothing seemed to be real. It was as if i was floating my way through Citylink.

I looked up for the last time and i found myself smelling the salty air, the cold air conditioning behind me. I was already outside Esplanade. I bought a pack and i started smoking. I stumbled and walked. Everything seemed to last forever. The distance, the time. I was floating again. I found myself on the ledge, the one oppo Fullerton Hotel. I smoked and smoked. I was so ready. But i had to say goodbye. I couldnt leave without saying a goodbye.

I called Neh, and i told her that i love her alot. Then i said goodbye. It felt as if i would never see her again. It felt good, for a suicidal person. Then i switched off my phone. I was so prepared. I asked God to hear my cry. To listen to what my heart had to say. I sat there and suddenly i felt someone staring at me from the bottom of the ledge.

A guy stood there.

He told me, "Bu yao tiao hai".
I couldnt understand, so i went, "huh?"
He repeated himself.

Dun jump.

I said, "okay."

I thought about it and i realised that he was an angel sent by God. If a complete stranger who has no flying idea who i am or what i'm going through can tell me that. Then theres more to life after all. I got down from the ledge after awhile. I started walking again. I walked and walked and walked. Up down up down up down. Till i looked up for the second last time.

I was opposite Marina Sq, at the bus stop.

I started walking again. It seemed centuries have passed and i was still walking. I ended up at some bus stop and i looked up for the last time. I saw 857 and i got on. I sat down and i stoned all the way to Yishun.

At Yishun, i started walking, with the intention of reaching home. But i had no direction. I just walked. By the time i reached home, it dawned on me. I'm actually home. The one place that has no love for me. Back to a dad that hates me, back to a sister that rejects me and back to a mom that doesnt understand me.

I was finally home.

I sat down in my room and thought about what happened. I actually came so close to ending all the pain i was feeling. All the people's pain. All of my pain.

I will live. But only because of his love as a brother to me and the promises i made to him. I'll have to live in order to fulfill what i promised. Thats the only thing keeping me alive.

Cascade-Miracle.