Wednesday, December 01, 2010

Hey You.

Its been alittle over three years since i wrote about you here.

I've been bumping into your sister, and after much dutch courage (and alot of alcohol in my system), i spoke to her. I told her i knew her brother, but something in me held back the entire story.

I met her again yesterday at my workplace. She reminds me of you.

Today i reread the post i wrote to you 3++years ago. I felt overwhelmed with sorrow. It made me upset and i know nothing can ever change the events that happened that day.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Today

Today, i've decided to give up.

I've supported you in every way possible. Gave you all that you asked for and more. But you still chose to go with the sweet young thing that broke your heart in the end. No matter how fuck tired i was, if you asked to hang out, i would.

I've never complained.

Not once.

Now, i think i've had enough.

Its time for me to let you go. You can be together with who you want, do what you want and be what you will. Your actions will no longer include me.

In her words, you are no different from *****.

I know for sure the both of us would never happen, not in this lifetime. Our characters may match, but everything else does not.
You need to live your life on your own. I will no longer help you.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Would you?

I would give up my world for someone like that.

Would you?

I am fully prepared to be alone for the rest of my life.

Can you make that decision?

Friday, July 30, 2010

The Storm

I sat, with a cigarette in hand.

Watching vehicles move past.
Watching the trees sway with the wind.

I watched, and waited.

The calm before the storm.

Surreal, majestic.
As if paving the way for something big.

Thunderclouds roll in the sky.

Eyes, watching and waiting.

Waiting for the calm to break.
Waiting to feel the first drops of rain.

Watching and waiting..

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Now.

The familiar number.

The familiar voice.

I never thought you would ever call me.


I listened to you, while tears ran free.
I knew you wouldn't be so cold hearted.

Your apologies meant nothing.
The anger that has been in me for so long, gone in an instant.

You offered your explainations, in a half fuck manner.

But all i really wanted to say was, i've missed you. And nothing else matters.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Today.

Today i passed my 2A.

But it didn't feel as euphoric as passing 2B. This time, all lessons and test was passed at first attempts. I should feel happy, jubilant even.

But no.

Because you weren't there.

When i said i wanted you out of my life...I meant it.

Now, after so many months. I regret. But you let go of the bond yourself.



I dun know what happened with our oh-so-strong friendship. It was unbreakable, like diamonds cast in stone.

In the end, the tears still washed the dust from the crushed diamonds away.

You couldn't accept a person's change. But you expect others to forgive you for your change. Tell me, how is this thinking acceptable, even for you?

I am the proudest and the one with the most opinions, but i could accept her and gave her a second chance. You were the sweetest, with honeyed lips that made me laugh. But you still couldn't look past yourself to give others a second chance.

Why?

I knew the consequences, the backlash would come.

But it all snowballed into today, where you filled most of my thoughts.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

You Part II

Everywhere i go, you presence haunts me.

Every place, every spot, you seem to have left a piece of yourself for me.

To be reminded.

To be filled with memories of the year ago, where things weren't like this.



A year ago, we all hung out at one location together.


Wednesday, June 16, 2010

You

For the longest time, my phone has not seen your name blink on its screen.

For the longest time, i have not heard your laugh.

For the longest time, i have not heard your voice.

For the longest time, i realised i missed you terribly.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Pills.

I wish i can just pop all the orphenadrine and sleep forever.

Solitude.

Today i felt quite alone in the world.

I remember the innocence, then the excuses took over.

Thanks but no thanks.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Shame

I got a bath today. But i had to have help going to the bathroom and even taking off my clothes.

The shame.

The idea of someone looking at me naked when its not related to skinny dipping or sex.

I salute them for being able to take my shit. The generous amounts of refusal they have taken from me, but yet they still remained patient and understanding.

I hung my head, the arrogance in me gone in an instant.

How does one stay arrogant in such a situation?

The doctors tore my dressings open, with no qualms of pain.

My legs burn, with my wounds exposed to air. I can go nowhere, i have to remain in this bed like a caged phoenix.

I watch doctors walk in and out of my ward, giving one another suggestions, details, affirmations. They look upon patients like they're in the zoo.

I look at the needle on the back of my hand. The tube has murky liquid in it. I no longer have blood in my vein, great. Antibiotics and water has taken over. I really have no idea what is going to happen to me now.

Doctors say, my POP is postponed till Friday. Great, my life just cannot get any better.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

You.

Dun tell me to stop riding when you yourself love the passion itself. What you say maybe is for my own good, but i'm not the kind where after accident then i dun ride again.

How many time i ride and buang already? This is the fifth time. So? My own mother never stop me and you wanna stop me?

I am not the average biker chick. I'll be okay and heal eventually. And live to ride again.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Liberation

Sometimes, when we ourselves think that our problems are overwhelming, there are others who have problems bigger and much more complex then ours.

We probably shouldn't complain about our lives at all.

" Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. Its our light, not our darknes that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am i to be brillliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We ae all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us. Its not in just some of us, its in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give our people permission to do the same. As we are liberated fron our own fear, our presence automaticallly liberates others."



As we are liberated from our own fear, our presense automatically liberates others.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Look back.

Sometimes, like now, i look back on my past and think of memories that i stored away for many years.

I look into the mirror and i ask myself, what would my life be if i stayed on and graduated from convent school.

Would i be the clique happy- blah regular convent girl, or would i still turn out the same as now?

I've never really clicked with anyone, like other normal convent girls. Till the present, i dun even bother what happened to the group of girls that i hung out with, during my short stint in SAC. Well, look at it this way, not one of them bothered to contact me when i got suspended.

Needless to say, when i got expelled, nobody called me either.

I learnt the cruelty of humans from a tender age.

At 10, i watched the man that i am supposed to call "dad", tear my favourite stuffed rabbit up, just because i was made to stay back in school to do homework that i did not do. That rabbit, however funny/psychotic/strange this is going to sound, meant alot to me because whenever i was unhappy, i would confide in it.

After that, things were not the same anymore.

I didn't discover the gift in writing at that point of time, so a diary was not part of my childhood. I spent the later parts of my childhood trying to forget what he did, and i still remember till today.

Call this obsession, stupidity or childishness for all i care.

That rabbit was one of the incidents that moulded me.

So, dun tear or throw away your kid's favourite toy, till their properly done with it. You might drive them insane instead.

There has always been an onslaught of people that i network with. Its from being shown the world and its monetary values at 17. The people i worked with/for, the people i've come acrossed/served, the people that i sort of grew up with along the working years in service line.

Yes, i "lau" (old) already.

With alot of "pattern" that the generation after mine is trying to come up with, i just have one thing to say:

"My darlings, when you tasted your first burbon coke. Lao niang already roll finish the whole of Boat Quay."

I really open my eyes and seen for myself, the light i was in when i was 17-18. All the alcohol, "which-drink-is-the-strongest", i take a second look and i laughed.

At myself.

I look back and i find it funny. In fact, it is hilarious when all i did was seek is to get high and drunk on alcohol. End of story.

What on earth was i thinking?

Funny i.

Then i see people like Rosa doing the same exact thing i did before. The alcohol and other nonsense, i miss my younger days where i didn't need to care about many things, unlike today.

My belief is that humans complicate many simple matters in life and we all "hurt" one another, intentionally or not.

Constantly i am reminded of him.
And no matter how angry i am, i still wait.
No matter what i have said, i still wait.
I know that he's busy with her and other things.
I will wait in the shadows,
Waiting for the reconciliation.

It is ridiculous at the amount of emotions that one human can cause another. But its inevitable, it is mandatory, because without it, we all cannot grow up.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Monica's House

I met Monica.

A long time ago, when i was alot younger. I thought of myself as unattractive and undesireable. I thought that no men will love me for who i am. I became "fake" and thought that i had to be a slut on the outside to have people love me.

But i was very wrong.

Monica showed me how i would be at her age, because as a alpha female, i was more determined and focused than most of my peers. Even if i were to meet any alpha female they'll be "makaned" by me because of my ever strong personality.

After all the men that i've ever loved and gone through, i realised that none of them were good enough for me because they couldnt accept me for who i am.

Melvin, Zee, even M.

I nearly died for Melvin when i was 18, looking back, i think that i was sucha retarded fucker. I wanted to take my own life for some guy that wasnt even worth it. He led me on, even though he wasnt interested in me. My whole life crashed because of him, i was only 18. So young and innocent.

Then after him i moved on, i started working and i thought of nightlife as my career. Zee came into my life and i thought that things would be better, but no i was wrong. Another lying cheating bastard.

Then after that i decided that it was enough.

I told myself that i wouldnt cry over any other men ever again.

But i broke that promise to myself many many times.

Over and over.

I cried and cried. I thought my world will never be the same ever again.

But i lived. Till today i'm 22 and i'm earning my own income, i have my own credit card, my own mobile line.

M came into my life when i started riding, i thought he was the one, but still it fell apart. I loved him like nothing else. I thought he was the one, the one that i can spend the rest of my life with, but no.

Once again, i was let down.

Monica showed me how her life can be so fabulous without a man. Her house is to die for, the music she can switch on- trance the night away.

I know what i want, i dun want a man to slow me down. I want to be successful, to know me for me. To earn my own money and spend it how i like to spend it. To ride whatever bike i wanna buy and most of all to live my own life.

I love myself and i will not let anyone tell me what i can and cannot do. I am an alpha female and nobody can do anything about it.

This is what life has taught me until now. Bring on the future, because i am not afraid of any challenges.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Loss.

Today i lost a friend.

Someone i hold dear and close. But for awhile now, that friend has been moving away from me. I used to see this friend up close, then this friend moved further and further away from my vision. No matter how hard i fight, the vision will never come back to a close up again.

On the first day of turning twenty two, this friend and i are no more. I'm sick of always trying to open conversations and finding things to relate to. But i tried, because of this friend.

This friend once swore that they will never let go of the friendship. But still, i'm the one thats clapping with the air.

This friend once said that we'll be friends no matter what. But still, the no matter what came between us.

This friend once said that...

Goodbye friend. Today i weep in the memory of our past. I wish you well and good things for your future.

Goodbye A.

Thursday, February 04, 2010

Rings.



I went to Diva to check out their rings and i bought like three!










Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Changed impressions

In this new year, i've learnt that sometimes, old impressions of a person can be changed. She wasnt the person i thought i would ever talk to, but events change with a twinkling of an eye, or rather a strange twist in one of Life's chapters.

We could relate on different issues. Things that i never knew could happen, happened.

Perhaps before we make a judgement, we should remember that what goes around comes around. And in order for karma to not smack you in the face, we should give the benefit of doubt to anyone new.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

The first bad day of 2010.

It started with the 20mins grace given to every TVRP student in my class. If school starts at 1215, the latest you can be there is 1235.

  1. My laberet's jewel was missing when i woke up.
  2. I left the house at 12, which is more than enough time for me to get to school in a cab. I hopped into a cab.
  3. Everysinglemuthafuckingbloodyroad had to have either a road work or a vehicle breakdown.
  4. The cab was moving at a snail's pace.
  5. I was getting annoyed.
It was a ridiculous pace i was going at and by the time i reached class it was 12.55, FML.

But luckily, my lecturer is Mr NiceGuy. So i still got to sign my attendance. So thank bloody God.

After class, my classmates and i went to town. We missed the bus to town. FML. So we simmered in the heat, at the bus stop for another 15-20mins. I thought i was going to drown in my own sweat.

When we all finally got to town, i wanted to get this USB internet thingy for my netbook. So we walked to Singtel. I queued for a queue number, like wtf seriously, who the fuck created queuing for a fucking queue number?!

When i finally spoke to one of the salesperson, she told me there was no problem in signing up for the USB thing. Till she scanned my id.

Then she told me i needed to put a deposit of 500 dollars. FOR FUCK I SAY. Why in any kind of colour hell would i wanna deposit 500, when i can like buy a bag or more clothes with it? Singtel is retarded.

So i stomped out of Singtel then we went to Auntie Anne's to have our favourite pretzels and then to Cine to get Katie's icover.

After a smoke break i went to work. That was when my nightmare day got like ten times worse. My first drink of the day was an irish martini, and i broke the martini glass, in the ice bin.

I cleared the ice bin out, at like 6pm.

I cleared it out and re-topped ice in it. Fad just laughed at me, while standing at one corner of the bar.

**
The following may seem racist, but it is a true story and i had the opportunity to experience it. I'm not of any racist stereotype, neither am i ethnocentric. So just read the following cos its a true account and you'll understand why.
**

The crowd started pouring in, and the bar was getting busy. And just at the peak of the slam, this two indians sat at the bar, in front of TV2. I'll name them so its easier, S1 and S2.

S1 went to the restroom, so S2 ordered. He asked for a Heineken and a Asahi bottle. Then he asked for a credit tab, of which i said no because it was a weekend and i had no time to entertain or watch over his bill.

S2 stared at me like i was a freak, and reluctantly handed some money over for the beers. Then he asked me to SWITCH the program for TV2 that he was sitting in front of. I told him that the channels cannot be switched and that its permanent. S2 gave me the "whattheflyingfuckdidyoujustsay" look. And just so you're reminded, all of this happened in the middle of a slam.

S2: Go change the channel, i want to watch soccer.
Me: Sorry, thats not possible. The channels cannot be switched.
S2: -eyes wide open- Why not?
Me: Because its not change-able.
S2: But i want to watch soccer.

Then i walked away. To me, why should i entertain your ridiculous requests when i'm in the middle of a slam, when you can jolly well move your fat ass over to TV1?

I told my manager about the tv, he told me to IGNORE THEM.

The next thing i knew, the programs have been switched and S2 now has a tab card in front of him.

S1 came back and S2 told S1 what happened.

Some minutes later, S2 beckons me. I go over and he says some really nasty things.

S2: Why other people can change the channel and give me a tab, but you cannot?
Me: -discovers that tv program has been changed- Huh. Okay lah.
S2: You are useless.
Me: Okay, good for you.

He actually told me i was useless just because i cannot change the tv program for him, when i'm in the middle of a slam with no knowledge whatsoever about the changing of tv programs.

I walked away, knowing that if i listen to more of his bullocks, i will punch a fucking glass into his face. Awhile later, S1 orders a second round of drinks, of which i had to serve them cos my bar captain was busy.

When i put the drinks down, S1 beckons me, with a finger.

S1: Why are you so useless?! Others can change the tv and give us a tab but you cannot?!
Me: Eh, whatever lah.

I was fucking pissed off.

Why should i get the fuck when i'm just following what i was told to do? Why should i change the fucking tv channel when you demand for it?! I am sick and tired of such customers who persist in getting their way, dun leave tips and demand for ridiculous things.

On the more recent note, the issue of ice water. This cheapskate kept coming indoors to take ice water, and in the end, we removed all the water jugs.

So cut the long story short, this man was standing at the cashier point. He asked the cashier for ice water, and the cashier asked me for it.

Cashier: Eh, he want ice water.
Me: You do know that we're not supposed to give out ice water right?

But still to prevent her from getting fucked, i gave the man an ice water and told him that we only serve ice water to dinner guests.

Lizzy was there also, but all she did was not to explain the ice water situation. She, herself insisted that i should serve ice water.

LIKE WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH MY BLOODY FLOOR CAPTAIN?

She's not new, nor is she a greenhorn. But NOTHING stopped her from doing what she did, even though she was supposed to back me up.

Obviously the man threw a shitfit.

I seriously cannot be bothered anymore, i keep getting fucked for shit that is not my fault. And people can tell me i dun smile. For fuck i smile? Does smiling put food on the table? I'm not selling pussies, so i dun need to smile.

In the end, go think about it. I everytime kena this kind of knnpcb bullshit, you think i wanna smile and say thanks for scolding me?

FUCK THIS INDUSTRY I SAY.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Bad day.

Cos i had a bad day and i will blog all about it when i'm free-er.

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

Resolution for 2010.

  1. Get a HP Mini.
  2. Class 2A
  3. Class 3
  4. Do a kickass Graduation Project.
  5. Get out of school.
  6. Go to Thailand.
  7. Go to HongKong.
  8. Go to Japan.
  9. Vaio Z58.
  10. Get a career asap.
  11. Move out of the house.