Dear W,
I'm writing this here because i dun know how to tell it to you personally anymore. I havent been myself ever since you promoted me. I dun know why i'm unhappy nor do i understand how i'm feeling anymore. You dun have to apologise for not being able to help, because i never expected you to. Things are not going very well at the moment because of some issues.
Perhaps i've been affected since Specs left and since Mez went on MC.
I dun know. I transferred together with them, i expected them to be with me, in the same team. But obviously circumstances made situations different. But for almost two months, i felt alone. Trying to train new colleagues and then most of them leave just like that, you dun know how fucked up that is, for me to spend time and effort teaching them what i know and for them to take that knowledge and mia-ing. Its like i'm the hand that claps with air instead of another hand, you know?
I tried holding it all in, i really did. This blog was the only place i could talk about how i feel, but you guys tainted it with your comments and disapproval. So now, i can no longer blog about my day without having to worry about what you guys will say. I tried being the person you all want me to be. But i'm sorry, for not being the all perfect senior that i'm expected to be.
From the time i saw that disappointment in your eyes, i was afraid of making mistakes because i didnt want to disappoint you. But ultimately, i ended up making even more mistakes. I told you i wanted to resign, but the look you gave me showed that immediate disappointment in me. You asked if i had a better offer, i said no. Then you asked if i was not happy, i hesitated before telling you no. The reason why i choose to resign is because i dun want to disappoint you anymore.
I didnt want to bother you with my problems, because you were so busy with three outlets. I watched you walking in and out, to and fro forever on your comms set or phone. I felt that my problems were minior compared to the three outlets that you had to handle. Thus, i chose not to tell you.
But there were a couple of times that i did stop you to tell you that i needed to talk to you. You always said we'll talk later, but your later never came. I waited because i understood that you were busy. But still, nothing.
Perhaps the way i execute operations is different from others, but if it seems like i vent my frustrations/ anger on the rest of the team, then i'm sorry for it. But like i said, i've stopped fighting for captain a long time ago. I think its because of the second warning letter that i was given. True, its my fault that i overslept, but it isnt my fault that the roster showed me 10pm and i get fucked because i was "supposed" to work at 8pm instead. I dun see Mez getting a warning letter because he mis-read his roster on the Barclays event day. Then again, i dun really give a damn whether he gets a warning letter or not, its not my problem.
I dun have any right to talk anymore. Everytime i say something, its mostly wrong and never correct. I'm tired of arguing my point, or even fighting for anything anymore. I've lost my faith, and its going to take awhile to get it back. If you can wait, then i'll stay. If you cant, then i'll leave. Its as simple as that. I'm not pushing you to your limits nor am i threatening you with anything. Its beyond that stage already.
I just dun want to disappoint you anymore, bottom line.
Loves,
Fiona (your ex-superstar)
