Look back.

Sometimes, like now, i look back on my past and think of memories that i stored away for many years.

I look into the mirror and i ask myself, what would my life be if i stayed on and graduated from convent school.

Would i be the clique happy- blah regular convent girl, or would i still turn out the same as now?

I've never really clicked with anyone, like other normal convent girls. Till the present, i dun even bother what happened to the group of girls that i hung out with, during my short stint in SAC. Well, look at it this way, not one of them bothered to contact me when i got suspended.

Needless to say, when i got expelled, nobody called me either.

I learnt the cruelty of humans from a tender age.

At 10, i watched the man that i am supposed to call "dad", tear my favourite stuffed rabbit up, just because i was made to stay back in school to do homework that i did not do. That rabbit, however funny/psychotic/strange this is going to sound, meant alot to me because whenever i was unhappy, i would confide in it.

After that, things were not the same anymore.

I didn't discover the gift in writing at that point of time, so a diary was not part of my childhood. I spent the later parts of my childhood trying to forget what he did, and i still remember till today.

Call this obsession, stupidity or childishness for all i care.

That rabbit was one of the incidents that moulded me.

So, dun tear or throw away your kid's favourite toy, till their properly done with it. You might drive them insane instead.

There has always been an onslaught of people that i network with. Its from being shown the world and its monetary values at 17. The people i worked with/for, the people i've come acrossed/served, the people that i sort of grew up with along the working years in service line.

Yes, i "lau" (old) already.

With alot of "pattern" that the generation after mine is trying to come up with, i just have one thing to say:

"My darlings, when you tasted your first burbon coke. Lao niang already roll finish the whole of Boat Quay."

I really open my eyes and seen for myself, the light i was in when i was 17-18. All the alcohol, "which-drink-is-the-strongest", i take a second look and i laughed.

At myself.

I look back and i find it funny. In fact, it is hilarious when all i did was seek is to get high and drunk on alcohol. End of story.

What on earth was i thinking?

Funny i.

Then i see people like Rosa doing the same exact thing i did before. The alcohol and other nonsense, i miss my younger days where i didn't need to care about many things, unlike today.

My belief is that humans complicate many simple matters in life and we all "hurt" one another, intentionally or not.

Constantly i am reminded of him.

And no matter how angry i am, i still wait.

No matter what i have said, i still wait.

I know that he's busy with her and other things.

I will wait in the shadows,

Waiting for the reconciliation.

It is ridiculous at the amount of emotions that one human can cause another. But its inevitable, it is mandatory, because without it, we all cannot grow up.