Lovelorn or lost.

Lets see.

Life has been busy as of late because i'm doing my degree now. A double major with Murdoch Uni.

First sem has never been this interesting as someone who i thought was my friend, turned out to be a back-stabbing whore. Oh please, as if you can beat me at being the Queen B.

So got to know other friends taking the same degree and TAH-DAH! Instant friendship formed.

Went on a couple of trips with them two, Phuket, JB, Sydney.

I'm happy to say that probably them both are the kind of friends i need in my life. With a lot of encouragement for one another to do assignments and such. Finally, friends that i can rely on.

And then come the happy fella, who only thinks of themselves and not others. YOU are the one that wants a favor, so YOU jolly well wait for it.
Needless to say, no longer friends with such selfish people but it is fine.

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Perhaps it the closeness that i have with you that has stirred emotions in my stone cold heart.

The exhilaration and enlightenment came as i watched you dance, the high emotion that i felt on the spot, has been elusive for a long long time.

You have no idea the amount of exhilaration you invoked in me, yet i do not know for sure what i really feel. Has anyone ever been sure of their feelings when it comes to situation like this anyway?!

I don't want to create a fuss like the past, where i came out and things escalated quickly into the tomb of oblivion. Then it just sours everything.

I like her for what she is, the things that she does and how she is. But it can also be because i am semi-blinded by the sudden happenings to me so i cannot be certain really.

The info that she is fucked up and insensitive when in a relationship may be true, but i think i can overlook that, because it is no longer about me and its about giving rather than receiving. This may turn around and smack me back in the face, but lets just hope that it doesn't aye.

I think it is best to leave things as it is, and let things be until there is some form of reciprocation.

Its not something that can be forced anyway,

Rah!

Never understood why people borrow money and take eons to return it.

Its so bloody fucking frustrating.

And they are running on ZERO automated response. Cannot be bloody bothered if they can or cannot return the sum.

WAH. *stabs self*

I hate the nonchalant way that they are when it comes to squaring the debt. I'm not having it any easier by being the collecter either.

"Sorry sorry, i forgot."
"Oh, i dun have it yet."
"Can pay by installment?"

What the heck you people take me for? A bloody bank?! I dun even charge any bloody interest!

"Sorry, i was busy."

Oh, so you busy then i not busy? I'm busy trying to make you fucking cough up the loan without making things feel "strained" in the friendship!?

That is it. I will N E V E R ever lend anybody money again.

No money? Dun buy or just hide under your blanket.

Truth

To tell everyone that i am happy where i am now is just a blatant lie.

I'm not happy.

In fact, i no longer want to be just a staff. I want to be someone up there. I want to command my own team, my own bar.

I want to beat you, because you burned me.

Anger

So fucking pissed off early in the morning.

Having mini black-outs, can feel my brain having spasms.

All the same.

First it was 3rd September, now its 25th January.

I've had my heart broken so many times. I sound like a whiny bitch, i know. But this time round its very different.

He was everything that i asked for. Patient, understanding, has abit of humour, some arrogance. The one that i had hopes for. 18 months i spent, waiting and waiting, yet nothing came out of the 18 months.

Everytime i look at Shrek i see you.

As i rode down BKE, i was bawling my eyes out. Vision started to blur, i didn't know where i was going, even though i had a destination. My heart was broken by you, the very sight of you holding her hand.

I hate the fact that you are constantly on my mind, no matter what i do. Even the bus stop at Newton brought you back to my mind. I skipped traffic lights while riding, because my vision was too fucked to see anything beyond 20m.

I hate you.

You caused me agony, pain, hurt, frustration, disorientation, loss, anger and sorrow.

I just want to go into a hole, curl up and cry till my eyeballs turn purple. I have that much pain. I gave you my world, just like how i gave every other person i had feelings for. You crushed that world, the same like all the rest.

ALL OF YOU DID THE SAME THING.

I hate all of you. I hate myself.

Just let me die.
Just let me die.

Let the pain flow. Drown me with my own tears.


Cry till the world ends.

Hey You.

Its been alittle over three years since i wrote about you here.

I've been bumping into your sister, and after much dutch courage (and alot of alcohol in my system), i spoke to her. I told her i knew her brother, but something in me held back the entire story.

I met her again yesterday at my workplace. She reminds me of you.

Today i reread the post i wrote to you 3++years ago. I felt overwhelmed with sorrow. It made me upset and i know nothing can ever change the events that happened that day.

Today

Today, i've decided to give up.

I've supported you in every way possible. Gave you all that you asked for and more. But you still chose to go with the sweet young thing that broke your heart in the end. No matter how fuck tired i was, if you asked to hang out, i would.

I've never complained.

Not once.

Now, i think i've had enough.

Its time for me to let you go. You can be together with who you want, do what you want and be what you will. Your actions will no longer include me.

In her words, you are no different from *****.

I know for sure the both of us would never happen, not in this lifetime. Our characters may match, but everything else does not.
You need to live your life on your own. I will no longer help you.

Would you?

I would give up my world for someone like that.

Would you?

I am fully prepared to be alone for the rest of my life.

Can you make that decision?

The Storm

I sat, with a cigarette in hand.

Watching vehicles move past.
Watching the trees sway with the wind.

I watched, and waited.

The calm before the storm.

Surreal, majestic.
As if paving the way for something big.

Thunderclouds roll in the sky.

Eyes, watching and waiting.

Waiting for the calm to break.
Waiting to feel the first drops of rain.

Watching and waiting..

Now.

The familiar number.

The familiar voice.

I never thought you would ever call me.


I listened to you, while tears ran free.
I knew you wouldn't be so cold hearted.

Your apologies meant nothing.
The anger that has been in me for so long, gone in an instant.

You offered your explainations, in a half fuck manner.

But all i really wanted to say was, i've missed you. And nothing else matters.