Shame

I got a bath today. But i had to have help going to the bathroom and even taking off my clothes.

The shame.

The idea of someone looking at me naked when its not related to skinny dipping or sex.

I salute them for being able to take my shit. The generous amounts of refusal they have taken from me, but yet they still remained patient and understanding.

I hung my head, the arrogance in me gone in an instant.

How does one stay arrogant in such a situation?

The doctors tore my dressings open, with no qualms of pain.

My legs burn, with my wounds exposed to air. I can go nowhere, i have to remain in this bed like a caged phoenix.

I watch doctors walk in and out of my ward, giving one another suggestions, details, affirmations. They look upon patients like they're in the zoo.

I look at the needle on the back of my hand. The tube has murky liquid in it. I no longer have blood in my vein, great. Antibiotics and water has taken over. I really have no idea what is going to happen to me now.

Doctors say, my POP is postponed till Friday. Great, my life just cannot get any better.

You.

Dun tell me to stop riding when you yourself love the passion itself. What you say maybe is for my own good, but i'm not the kind where after accident then i dun ride again.

How many time i ride and buang already? This is the fifth time. So? My own mother never stop me and you wanna stop me?

I am not the average biker chick. I'll be okay and heal eventually. And live to ride again.

Liberation

Sometimes, when we ourselves think that our problems are overwhelming, there are others who have problems bigger and much more complex then ours.

We probably shouldn't complain about our lives at all.

" Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. Its our light, not our darknes that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am i to be brillliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We ae all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to manifest the glory of God that is within us. Its not in just some of us, its in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give our people permission to do the same. As we are liberated fron our own fear, our presence automaticallly liberates others."



As we are liberated from our own fear, our presense automatically liberates others.

Look back.

Sometimes, like now, i look back on my past and think of memories that i stored away for many years.

I look into the mirror and i ask myself, what would my life be if i stayed on and graduated from convent school.

Would i be the clique happy- blah regular convent girl, or would i still turn out the same as now?

I've never really clicked with anyone, like other normal convent girls. Till the present, i dun even bother what happened to the group of girls that i hung out with, during my short stint in SAC. Well, look at it this way, not one of them bothered to contact me when i got suspended.

Needless to say, when i got expelled, nobody called me either.

I learnt the cruelty of humans from a tender age.

At 10, i watched the man that i am supposed to call "dad", tear my favourite stuffed rabbit up, just because i was made to stay back in school to do homework that i did not do. That rabbit, however funny/psychotic/strange this is going to sound, meant alot to me because whenever i was unhappy, i would confide in it.

After that, things were not the same anymore.

I didn't discover the gift in writing at that point of time, so a diary was not part of my childhood. I spent the later parts of my childhood trying to forget what he did, and i still remember till today.

Call this obsession, stupidity or childishness for all i care.

That rabbit was one of the incidents that moulded me.

So, dun tear or throw away your kid's favourite toy, till their properly done with it. You might drive them insane instead.

There has always been an onslaught of people that i network with. Its from being shown the world and its monetary values at 17. The people i worked with/for, the people i've come acrossed/served, the people that i sort of grew up with along the working years in service line.

Yes, i "lau" (old) already.

With alot of "pattern" that the generation after mine is trying to come up with, i just have one thing to say:

"My darlings, when you tasted your first burbon coke. Lao niang already roll finish the whole of Boat Quay."

I really open my eyes and seen for myself, the light i was in when i was 17-18. All the alcohol, "which-drink-is-the-strongest", i take a second look and i laughed.

At myself.

I look back and i find it funny. In fact, it is hilarious when all i did was seek is to get high and drunk on alcohol. End of story.

What on earth was i thinking?

Funny i.

Then i see people like Rosa doing the same exact thing i did before. The alcohol and other nonsense, i miss my younger days where i didn't need to care about many things, unlike today.

My belief is that humans complicate many simple matters in life and we all "hurt" one another, intentionally or not.

Constantly i am reminded of him.

And no matter how angry i am, i still wait.

No matter what i have said, i still wait.

I know that he's busy with her and other things.

I will wait in the shadows,

Waiting for the reconciliation.

It is ridiculous at the amount of emotions that one human can cause another. But its inevitable, it is mandatory, because without it, we all cannot grow up.

Monica's House

I met Monica.

A long time ago, when i was alot younger. I thought of myself as unattractive and undesireable. I thought that no men will love me for who i am. I became "fake" and thought that i had to be a slut on the outside to have people love me.

But i was very wrong.

Monica showed me how i would be at her age, because as a alpha female, i was more determined and focused than most of my peers. Even if i were to meet any alpha female they'll be "makaned" by me because of my ever strong personality.

After all the men that i've ever loved and gone through, i realised that none of them were good enough for me because they couldnt accept me for who i am.

Melvin, Zee, even M.

I nearly died for Melvin when i was 18, looking back, i think that i was sucha retarded fucker. I wanted to take my own life for some guy that wasnt even worth it. He led me on, even though he wasnt interested in me. My whole life crashed because of him, i was only 18. So young and innocent.

Then after him i moved on, i started working and i thought of nightlife as my career. Zee came into my life and i thought that things would be better, but no i was wrong. Another lying cheating bastard.

Then after that i decided that it was enough.

I told myself that i wouldnt cry over any other men ever again.

But i broke that promise to myself many many times.

Over and over.

I cried and cried. I thought my world will never be the same ever again.

But i lived. Till today i'm 22 and i'm earning my own income, i have my own credit card, my own mobile line.

M came into my life when i started riding, i thought he was the one, but still it fell apart. I loved him like nothing else. I thought he was the one, the one that i can spend the rest of my life with, but no.

Once again, i was let down.

Monica showed me how her life can be so fabulous without a man. Her house is to die for, the music she can switch on- trance the night away.

I know what i want, i dun want a man to slow me down. I want to be successful, to know me for me. To earn my own money and spend it how i like to spend it. To ride whatever bike i wanna buy and most of all to live my own life.

I love myself and i will not let anyone tell me what i can and cannot do. I am an alpha female and nobody can do anything about it.

This is what life has taught me until now. Bring on the future, because i am not afraid of any challenges.